


Vague Hope

by beatosuffers



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, nier:automata au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 19:23:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20363797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beatosuffers/pseuds/beatosuffers
Summary: Irene only knows one thing: emotions are prohibited.





	Vague Hope

_I wish that someway, somehow, that I can save every one of us but the truth is I'm only one girl._

* * *

Her class is a high-end version model of the execution unit, built to kill all machine lifeforms and execute anyone or anything YorHa orders her to, even the deserters, all for the glory of mankind.

That’s her sole purpose in this world, to serve mankind.

Even if it meant killing her own.

Which is why emotions are prohibited as their Commander would say.

  
  
Emotions.

  
  
Can androids even have such things?

  
  
The thought of it is odd, so foreign, and so incomprehensible, and yet, when she looks at her fellow androids, the way they smile and laugh, along with their comrades as if the world isn’t in chaos, she feels a pang in her chest that she can’t quite explain.

  
  
She asked Pod about it, and all the answer she got was: envy.

  
  
Envy is to desire something what someone else has.

  
  
Is there something she wants?

  
  
The moment she was created, she was already programmed to what she should want, and that is to free the world from machines and give back the earth to man—that’s what she wants, or was embedded into her.

  
  
Her sole purpose for even existing is just to serve and nothing else, having emotions would just be a hindrance.

She feels nothing when her blade strikes down a machine and sees the light fade away from those glassy eyes.

She feels nothing when she has to execute a fellow android for deserting their cause.

And she’d like for it to stay that way.

So when Commander suddenly told her she’d finally have her companion, she felt her board circuit.

  
  
(She’d have to ask Pod about it later.)

“Your companion is a high-class scanner,” Commander says, “someone to tag along with you to every fight and mission, an android who specializes in investigative purposes and hacking information.”

  
  
She can’t help but just nod, even if she thinks she doesn’t need it, she may be an executioner but she’s still one of the smartest android mankind has ever made but even so, they were programmed to never defy anything Commander says.

  
  
“It will be her first time outside of the bunker, take good care of her will you? She’s one of the last batches of scanners.” Commander asks.

She raises an eyebrow at this.

  
“Come on out dear.”

An android, almost the same height as her, with hair that ends along her neck, who has the biggest smile plastered on her face and eyes that looks like it holds wonders of the world, comes out in one of the pods.

  
  
She already knew she will not get along well with her.

  
  
“JH, this is SW.”

  
  
The Android, or SW in her serial, offered their hand in front of her as she excitedly chirps, “Hello Ma’am!”

“Hello,” she says back, unsure of what to do with the hand extended to her.

  
  
Is she supposed to hold it?

  
  
SW’s smile drops for a moment but quickly regains it back before taking back her hand and bowing, “I’m SW, your companion, I’m here to serve you and mankind.”

“I’m JH, I look forward to your services in our mission.”

SW smiles wide, and somehow, she feels the corners of her mouth twitch, as if wanting to smile back.

\---

It’s their first mission together, and it’s just something simple, something she can do without the other android.

  
  
Just gather data in the city ruins of where could this ‘friend machine village’ be.

She thought it’d be smooth as if the other android wouldn’t be there at all, that is until they landed on top of a secured building, and before she could get off the flight unit, she hears a loud screech.

She snaps her neck to the direction of the noise so fast that she might need Pod to see if she broke a wire or something, for she’s afraid that she may already have failed her first mission: to take care of SW.

  
  
But all she sees, is just the coconut haired android, exclaiming loudly at the sight before her.

  
  
To her, it wasn’t really grand; that the sight before her isn’t something to be so excited or something to exclaim about, for its just ruined buildings, overgrown trees and rusting dead machines.

  
  
But to SW who has only seen the world for the first time, maybe it could be the most beautiful thing for now.

  
  
Something swells in her chest at the sight of the girl, taking in everything with a huge grin on her face akin to child-like wonder.

  
  
“Woah, this is so amazing, I can’t believe I’ve been stuck in the bunker for so long,” SW turns to her, “do you think we could go see the ocean after our mission? I’ve seen through the net pictures of it, I just want to verify if it’s as blue as the sky or bluer, you see blue is my favorite color-“

  
  
“SW,” she cuts off, the android before her stops, “we’re only here for a mission, either you stay here and wait for me or you tag along and be quiet as much as possible.”

  
  
Normally, she’ll have no trouble scolding any other android, but when SW looks down, looking so defeated, as if JH has personally kicked her, she can’t help the sigh she let out as her resolve crumbles.  
  
“We can go see the ocean,” SW raises her head at that and her face immediately lights up, “only if we successfully locate the machine village.” 

  
  
SW just grins and raises a fist into the air.

  
  
“Of course ma’am you can count on me.”

\---

They walk along the city ruins, carefully avoiding machines on their path, for they didn’t want to draw any kind of attention to them, but if she would have had it, she’d rather cut them down.

  
  
“Don’t you think it’s amazing?” SW starts.

JH doesn’t really want any small talk between them or any kind of talking at all but her motherboard might have its thoughts of its own now for she asks, “what?”

  
  
SW looks at her and smiles, “Everything.”

JH raises an eyebrow at her, “you need to be more specific.”

  
  
“I just think it’s amazing, this world and everything else in it…” SW looks around, JH does the same, afraid she wasn’t able to pick up on something until she feels SW closer to her and whispers, “even the machines.”

SW backs away as JH gives her an incredulous look, “What?”

  
“Don’t you find it interesting? How we were taught that machines are nothing but mindless scraps built to eradicate mankind but now we’re on a mission to find out about this friendly machine village.”

  
  
JH just stares at her, an unamused expression on her face.

No, she does not find it interesting nor amazing. Not one bit. Machines drove mankind to flee to the moon, and now, their everyday reality is to kill every single machine on sight to give back what was taken from man.

“It makes you wonder if machines could have, maybe, developed intelligence, and even feelings or emotions, to even know the concept of ‘friendliness’ and hence creating their own community,” SW looks down at the gravel, “it makes me wonder, if they can have that, maybe us androids could have something like that too.”

“Emotions?”

  
  
SW’s eye meets hers, and JH just noticed that it’s the color blue.

  
  
“Yeah, I mean I think we have a grasp of it, we can smile, laugh, these are actions for an emotion right? But I guess, it’s more of, can we actually feel it?”

  
  
“You may have abused your internet privileges SW to even start thinking like that.”

  
  
SW laughs, and JH does wonder, is that a genuine laugh? Were the smiles on her face since she saw her real?

  
  
JH never thought much of it, not when the Commander would always just have a blank look on her face, not when her fellow executioners are as cold as ice—all who are just like her.

  
  
But she thinks back to the other androids, the older units, who freely smile and laugh around in the bunker, were those real? Or is it just another program to react—a program for communication.

  
  
“It’s just amusing I guess.”

  
  
They continue to walk around the city for hours, with SW doing her best to scan everything and hack into even the dead machines to find even just one bit of evidence that the friendly machine village is indeed real.

SW seems to hold out a lot of hope for it for some reason.

JH doesn’t know why; doesn’t want to ask why they’re the enemies and she doesn’t need to know more other than that.

The sun was about to fall when they finally made a breakthrough.

SW successfully locating the village.

JH smiles unknowingly when the android in front of her cheers.

  
  
“We can go make that trip to the ocean today before we go back.”

SW jump s up and down before tackling JH to a hug. She should have scolded the android, should have let her know she’s still a superior to her, but a part of her likes the action and a part of her wants to wrap her arms around the android.

(She really needs to ask Pod if her circuits are okay later.)

  
  
“Thank you, thank you so much, ma’am.”

\---

They went to the beach near the city ruins, nothing much was there to see except for the same old rusting machines.

But JH looks at SW and how the android looks at everything so much fascination—so much wonder, that JH thinks those blue eyes of hers does sparkle.

“I think the ocean beats the sky in being bluer—but then again they’re both exactly not blue, just like blood, it’s not really red—“

  
  
SW continues to ramble on, and JH for once thinks, this isn’t bad.

  
  
Her days were mostly filled with machines’ groans and the sound of her blade tearing them apart and or, most of the time, silence, so JH thinks, SW’s ramblings, is a nice touch to her day.

\---

They continue on like that, as a duo, the Commander giving them more missions together seeing as how they’re first one was such a success.

  
  
And ever since then JH finds herself to be enjoying SW’s company, and every day she guides SW to all her favorite places in the city ruins.

Today, after completing another task, JH decided to sake SW to the library.

Commander was right with SW being a high-class android meant for investigative purposes, mankind did an amazing job on SW for the girl is intelligent, maybe even more intelligent than the Commander herself, that she could see SW being the heart and mind of the system, for the girl seems to know just about everything. SW would say it’s because of all the free time she used to have in the bunker, how she’s always left in her room to just read and search the net, learning everything what mankind has built and left.

They finished the mission very quickly, more like SW rushing to finish it earlier so she can have more time in the library,

  
  
“Oh gosh, I’ve been seeing so much of this library on the net, and how it’s filled with all the knowledge in the world, texts that even the internet doesn’t have access to and—“

  
  
“SW breathe,” JH says, a laugh threatening to escape her lips.

SW shakes her head, “Technically I don’t need to breathe but I’m just really excited ma’am, all the places you’ve shown had been wonderful so far and I’m just grateful, I never thought I’d be let out of that bunker honestly.”

JH wants to ask why, and even wonders why it took so long for the commander to release SW to the world when the android could have helped make more progress with their missions way before then.

But also, what’s pressing JH more is the ‘ma’am’ SW keeps calling her. She knows it’s out of respect, but it bothers her, not when she doesn’t really even SW as someone lower than her.

“You can stop calling me ma’am you know.”

  
  
SW was about to open her mouth to retaliate until JH stops suddenly and smiles at her, “we’re here now."

  
  
They’re in front of a huge marble building, with two gigantic wooden doors that look like it would fall off its hinges any moment, and vines all around the building.

  
  
For once JH is nervous as to how SW will take it, she knows the android has been dying to go to the library but this building isn’t exactly as marvelous as the other places she took SW too.

The building itself looks like its dying.

But before JH can propose another place, SW squeals and dashes inside.

JH shakes her head as she follows the android inside.

\---

SW spends her time reading and JH spends her time watching the android. They’re both on sitting on a worn-down couch, as JH watches the way SW’s expression would change from every flip of the page. She supposes it’s odd and creepy to an extent, but, for once she doesn’t care, there’s something about seeing the android so happy and carefree that makes her feel like she could be too.

  
“Hey ma’am,” JH snaps out of her thoughts.

“Didn’t I tell you to stop calling me that?” JH says.

“Aww you’re pouting!”

  
  
“What?”

  
  
“You’re pouting and it’s cute,” SW looks at her eyes as if searching for something, and JH can’t help but feel like she’s laid bare in front of the android, “you’re cute.”

JH doesn’t know what it is but she feels something inside of her, her circuits frying? Perhaps.

“Stop talking nonsense,” she says as she turns away from the android and grabs a nearby book.

SW just giggles, “Anyway I think I found a name for you since you want me to stop calling you ma’am.”

  
  
“Can’t you just call me by my serial?”

  
  
“JH doesn’t really fit you.”

  
  
“What does fit me then?”

  
  
“Irene.”

JH raises an eyebrow before trying to roll out the name herself, “Irene?”

  
  
SW nods eagerly, “yes, yes, you’re definitely an Irene.”

“Is this supposed to make sense or?”

  
  
“Irene means peace in Greek. There was a goddess that personified the word peace and was named Irene.”

  
  
JH doesn’t know if SW is joking around or, “You do know I’m exactly the opposite of peace right?”

  
  
SW shakes her head reverently, “Nah uh”

  
  
“I’m an executioner, I was made to kill.”

It’s been a while since she’s drawn her blade and strike to kill, her missions with SW has been mostly gathering data, nothing that needs Irene to show off what she was made for, that she herself, has slowly forgotten about it.

Her purpose.

And that maybe, SW doesn’t even know what she is.

“And?”

  
JH turns her head to the girl, “and what?”

“I mean, so what? You’re an executioner? But isn’t your aim to bring peace?”

  
  
“Yes but I’ve killed so many, not just machines, I’ve also killed our fellow androids.”

  
  
“I know but,” SW bites her lower lip as she fiddles with the page of a book, “when I’m with you I feel nothing but peace.”

To say JH is stunned is an understatement, she feels like when she first used her self-destruct button, she feels like bursting and all because the android before her told her she brought her peace.

“I-“ she doesn’t even know what to say back to that, but a part of her wants to tell SW everything she’s felt since she was given the company of this android.

How she doesn’t see the world as grey anymore, how there’s actually something more than dread, death, and pain in this world, and how maybe SW was right, that maybe androids could feel because whenever she’s around the android, JH feels nothing but contentment.

Which is an odd thing to feel, because how can she feel contentment when she hasn’t even achieved her very own purpose?

  
  
It doesn’t make sense.

  
  
Everything doesn’t make sense.

  
  
But when she hears SW blabber just about anything, suddenly, there’s clarity.

“I feel the same.”

  
  
SW smiles so wide at her and closes the book, “So…. Irene?”

  
  
JH—no, Irene smiles back at the girl.

“Okay.”

  
  
  
They go back to the bunker that day with both of them carrying too many books, and Irene feeling too much happiness.

\---

  
  
Everything went on the same, they go to missions and Irene takes SW to different places she once found when she was alone, now has someone to share it with.

They read books together and she listens to SW talk about everything and anything and SW helps her learn, from the universe to the world, to the atoms, to what makes everything and to how it feels to love.

Love.

  
  
It was such a foreign concept to her ever since she first opened her eyes.

But when SW mutters the name she has given to her, Irene can’t help but experience everything what the net says when it comes to love.

Which is funny because they’re androids.

Do androids even have a heart?

Can they even actually feel?

  
  
Or were they once programmed to?

She asks Wendy and all Wendy would say, “It’s because we’re capable of learning just like humans, we’re capable to go beyond.”

  
  
And that was enough.

  
  
Irene is learning, and she never thought she will since she was already installed with what everything she thought she needed.

\---

“You need a name too,” Irene says.

  
  
They’re in the library, it’s been their place—their home every after mission, the place the both of them would just go back to, to either drown in books or drown in the presence of each other.

It’s their safe place.

  
  
“Hmm?”

“I can’t keep calling you by your serial forever, not when you’ve given me a name.”

Wendy closes the book she’s reading and faces Irene, “Do you have an idea?”

  
  
Irene smiles and brings up a book, “There’s a character here named Wendy and I think it fits you.”

  
  
“Fits me how?”

  
  
“Wendy is a name that means a friend, a friend who gives help to others.” Irene scoots closer to SW and places her hands on top of the other girl’s hands as she looks to SW”s blue eyes that she thinks are bluer than ocean and sky itself, “And these past few months, you’ve been Wendy for me, a friend who gives help to me, a help that goes beyond missions and tasks, a help that makes me feel like I’m more than just an empty shell in this world, a Wendy who helped me realize I’m more than just an android designed to kill, a Wendy who fills my days with happiness, a friend, my Wendy.”

Wendy looks like she’s about to cry that Irene is worried she said the wrong things or has given SW the most horrible name in the world that she feels like running away and asking the commander to delete her memory core to forget just about everything in this moment, but when she feels something warm on her lips, she closes her eyes and grips on the shirt of the girl in front of her, she wants nothing more than to actually memorize this moment, to engrave it in her memory core and maybe even in her heart and soul, if she has one.

(Wendy gives her hope that maybe she has one.)

  
  
And when they pull apart, she utters Wendy’s name and Wendy utters hers.

And Irene swears androids can do feel.

Androids know love.

\---

If you told Irene she’d understand what happiness feels like all those months ago, she’d tell you it’s nonsense, that emotions are prohibited, especially for an android like her.

  
  
But it’s not prohibited, no, not really.

  
  
Not when she looks at Wendy and all she feels is how right everything is.

  
  
How right it is to hold her hand.

  
  
How right it is to make her smile and laugh.

  
  
And how right it is to capture those lips with hers.

  
  
How her days have stopped becoming so bleak and dull ever since Wendy came into the picture—how she finds herself, an android, actually becoming hopeful for the future.

A future where she will no longer have to draw her blade.

A future where she doesn’t have to worry whether or not machines that roam in the world they love would be hunting them down.

A future where she and Wendy can live their days in a house by the ocean, a house with a library filled with every book they love and will come to love. A simple life that she thought only humans would be the only ones capable of hoping, dreaming and make it into reality.

But for now, they’d make do with the reality they have now. A reality where the world is in chaos, a reality where they fear their time together may be cut short with the machines still roaming around the world they love, a reality where they have to fight every single day, not only for their sake but for the people who made them.

It seems cruel when Irene thinks about it—it was cruel.

For so many years she was on her own, so used to seeing and giving death. That the only thing she knew then was to make sure her blade strikes the right part, that the only drive she had was the purpose given to her by man. She had a reality once where everything was grey, dull and most especially cold, a reality where she never knew what warmth was, what dreaming and hoping is.

But now she has Wendy, her hope—her everything.

\---

“I feel like giving everyone in the bunker names,” Wendy says as they stroll around the city ruins, forgetting their task at hand, “Like my Operator, I think she’d suit the name Seulgi and while yours, Operator Yerim or Yerimmie."

  
  
Irene laughs, thinking how the name would actually suit the little YorHa operator.

  
  
“Even the Commander?”

  
  
“Yes! And I just have the right name for her.”

“And what could it be?”

  
  
Wendy grinds, “Joy.”

  
  
Irene snorts, “Joy? Really? The commander? Fitting the name of Joy?”

  
  
“Oh Irene don’t be like that,” Wendy giggles, “believe it or not, the Commander has this childlike nature in her, she actually jokes a lot and used to play a lot of games with me during her free time when I was still stuck being the only android to never leave the bunker.”

Irene stops in her tracks, “Were you given any reason as to why you couldn’t leave back then?”

  
  
Wendy looks up to the sky, “Not really but I think I’m figuring out why.”

  
  
Irene wants to ask, but the way Wendy looks and how those blue eyes look glassy all of a sudden, she figures it’s not the right time.

“Come on, let’s finish what we came here for, and then we can go back to the library or to the ocean.”

  
  
Wendy looks at her and gives her a soft smile, one that does not quite reach her eyes and there’s an ache in her chest where a heart is supposed to be.

But before Irene could resume walking, Wendy asks, “Irene, do you ever think what would happen if humanity found out there was never a god? Would they still know their purpose? Would they still have a drive for existence? Would the world turn into chaos?”

  
  
Irene doesn’t know the answer to that, nor does Wendy even want an answer from that.

Because for her kind.

For androids.

Their god is mankind.

They exist to serve mankind.

She’s existed for so long to serve.

And she doesn’t know what she would be if not for that purpose.

  
  
Same for androids who have killed and was killed.

Maybe it would be the same for humans.

\---

“JH.”

  
  
“Commander,” Irene greets.

  
“Is there something wrong? Wen- I mean, SW and I have a mission to go to in 30 minutes, I need all the time to prepare.”

The Commander gives her a sad look, a look she has never seen on the Commander’s face before, a look that doesn’t fit the name Joy at all.

“I have another mission for you JH.”

  
  
Irene tilts her head, “what is it? You never change missions at such a late time, unless it’s something urgent?”

  
  
“I need you to wipe SW’s memory core.”

  
  
Irene ceases to breathe.

She doesn’t even need to.

But the processor that acts like her lungs seems to be failing her now.

  
  
This has to be a joke. Wendy did say Joy had this childlike nature in her, maybe she’s pranking Irene.

“Excuse me?” she tries to compose herself, tries to make it sound like she didn’t really hear the Commander, not giving away the fear that’s gripping her very own core.

“You need to erase SW’s memory core. Delete every single memory file in it.”

Irene shakes her head, fuck formality now, “No, no, no, how can you ask me to do that? Wendy holds every single important file we have from our missions, all the data we have gathered to infiltrate the machines compounds to finally take down who creates them and now you’re asking me to delete every single thing in it?”

“Are you rejecting my command?” Joy asks, no emotion behind her voice, she stares at Irene with those eyes of her, eyes that do not hold any warmth, eyes that completely shows how Joy is just another android, a lifeless, soulless being, built only to serve man, and she wonders has her eyes always been like that.

“No, my power core is just failing to grasp the rationality of this mission,” Irene spits out.

“You may not understand now JH, but you will, one day. It’s for the good of all the androids in this bunker and every android out there, fighting for us, it’s for the glory of mankind.”

  
  
Irene balls her hands to a fist, “I still fail to understand. Why?”

  
  
She tries to recompose herself, to hold back the emotions, to go back to what she taught herself: emotions are prohibited.

  
  
She’s accusing the Commander of not being rational when she herself is letting her emotions get in the way.

  
  
“The information to answer that question is something I cannot tell you, mankind only tells me what to do.”

  
Irene scoffs.

Mankind?

The people she and Wendy swore to serve? The people she has never even met nor seen is now asking to kill the only thing that’s keeping her sane in this fight they threw her in.

“JH, you’re not going to kill her, she’ll be fine, you just need to erase and we need you to do it today.”

  
  
Irene laughs, manic, “But it’s the same thing, isn’t it? You’re asking me to delete her memory core, the very thing what makes her Wendy—my Wendy.”

Commander looks at her, and Irene thinks she sees sorrow in her eyes.

  
  
“What did we tell you?”

  
  
Irene clenches her jaw.

  
  
“What did we taught you?”

  
  
“Emotions are prohibited.”

“You’re the top executioner in this bunker, you will not fail to perform your duty-- your purpose now,” Joy says with finality as she turns to leave but Irene cries out.

  
  
“Then why? All those months ago? Why even tell me to take care of her? Why even let her be with me? When you could have just kept her here like she has been for so many years?”

Irene feels her whole body shake, she never quite knew what she felt all those years before she met Wendy, she always just went on with her day, as if dragging her body and then what she had minutes before this encounter was unadulterated happiness, happiness she was glad to have felt for months, but now? What is this?

Is this fear?

Sadness?

Heartbreak?

“Because out of all androids, you were the only one hell-bent on not making any bonds and we thought it was safe to have you handle her but I guess we were wrong,” Joy sighs, “you have failed us Irene, will you fail us again?”

Irene stands there, motionless, as Joy—no, Commander turns to walk away, not giving Irene any more chance to retaliate, to squeeze out more answers from her.

And Irene doesn’t know how long since she’s been standing there, just staring into nothing, trying to think of ways to get out of this mission, to tell Wendy and save herself but something stops her.

It’s the voice-over of mankind playing through their speakers now, thanking androids for their service to help save the world.

And something inside her awakens, something she thought that was no longer there.

Her drive to existence.

The very root of her being.

Her purpose.

She was made to serve, her life is nothing but a service to mankind, she was created for them and not for Wendy.

But Irene thinks how cruel it is.

How could humans build her that enabled her to learn, to feel, to love?

It’s cruel.

They’re cruel.

She knows her purpose and Wendy knows her.

  
  
Maybe it’s the right thing to do.

But Wendy was the right thing in her life, how can she assist in ceasing the only thing that’s made her life feel right?

Irene feels her knees buckle and falls onto the ground.

If she has a heart, she’s sure it’s broken by now.

\---

“Why were you late for our takeoff today?” Wendy asks.

Irene’s been unusually quiet, barely addressing the girl beside her.

  
  
“Just needed some repairs.”

  
  
Wendy stops walking and grabs Irene by her arm and pulls her into a hug.

And Irene wraps her arms around the girl, burying her face to her neck, relishing in the warmth, the scent and all that makes the android before her, her Wendy.

  
  
“Is everything alright? Were you hurt from that encounter yesterday? I’m sorry I couldn’t be of help and that you have to watch not only yourself but also me. I wish they built me with more useful attack settings but all I got are these-"

  
  
“Shush, you’re perfect just the way you’re built alright?” Irene murmurs to Wendy’s neck.

“Then why are you all so mopey?” Wendy asks and Irene holds the girl tighter.

  
  
“Because I’m just so so grateful to have you.”

  
  
She feels Wendy run her hands through Irene’s hair, “You’ll always have me Irene and I’m forever thankful for you too.”

And if Irene doesn’t know what heartbreak is before then.

She knows it now.

  
  
Irene lets go, and Wendy smiles at her, the same smile she greeted Irene with back then, the one that reaches her eyes—the one that Irene fell in love with.

“Come on, let's go to the beach for today,” Irene says as she holds Wendy’s hand and pulls the girl away from the direction of the library.

“Not the library?” Wendy asks, confused.

“I feel like seeing the ocean today if that’s okay?”

  
  
Wendy shakes her head and holds Irene’s hand tighter, “Of course.”

\---

They’re by the beach, sitting on the sand, watching as the earth turns and turns, reminding Irene that the world and all the horrible things in it will continue on even if her own world is ending today.

But still.

_It’s beautiful, _Irene thinks.

  
  
The ocean and the sky, how blue they are and how at the end of the horizon, the two seem to meet and become one.

She gets it now why blue is Wendy’s favorite color. Why it’s the most calming color for her because it’s the same for her.

But it’s the blue of Wendy’s eyes’ her favorite, the ocean and the sky could never compare to how bright and lively it is—and how it’s enough to soothe Irene by just looking at those, and how it’s deeper than the ocean and vast than the sky.

And how she’ll miss it.

How she’ll miss the way those blue eyes lights up when Irene is near.

How those blue eyes dilate when their kisses turn heated.

Mostly, she’ll miss the recognition behind those eyes.

Irene feels like she’s short-circuiting, she wishes she would, so she could escape this hell of a punishment.

She wishes for something or someone to take her now so she'd never have to be the one to take Wendy.

So she’s not the one to take the light behind those eyes.

  
  
How it’s so painful to even just thinking of doing it, how she’s ashamed of thinking of doing it.

She should tell Wendy to run.

To run away with her.

They can go cross the ocean if they have to.

But.

YorHa would always find them, not when they have trackers built within them.

Not when YorHa has all the equipment, the necessities, her fellow executioners to hunt down two deserters.

  
  
All she’d be doing then is to kill both her and Wendy.

And it’s the type of death where they don’t just erase your memories; it’s the type of death that brings finality.

Irene thinks, at least, with this, Wendy would still get to live.

She’ll live.

But she’ll never remember.

She’ll forget who Irene is.

Forget all the places they’ve been to.

Forget all the jokes, all the secrets, and all the stories.

She’ll forget who she is.

There’ll be no more Wendy.

  
  
“Irene what are you thinking?”

  
  
Irene snaps out of her thoughts and sees Wendy beside her, arms wrapped around her legs, with her chin on top of knees, as if hugging herself—comforting herself, like she already knew what’s about to come.

  
  
“You, as always.”

Wendy smiles and blue eyes bore holes into her as if staring into her soul.

“It’s okay Irene, I understand.”

  
  
“What?” Irene chokes.

“I know, I’ve always known it’ll come down to this, I just thought I’d have longer time—more time with you,” Wendy croaked.

Irene shakes her head, “No, no, I can’t, I can’t-"

  
  
Irene feels warm hands on her face that stops her, she looks up and sees tears streaming down on Wendy’s face and all she wants to do is wipe it away but arms stay frozen besides her.

  
  
“Just promise me you’ll continue on?”

  
  
“I wouldn’t know how to anymore, not when I got the taste of what it’s like to have you by my side.”

Wendy looks down and wailed, hands still cupping Irene’s face, “But you have to okay?” she looks up at Irene again and flashes her a smile.

And how Irene hates it.

Because Wendy should never smile like that—it should never contain any sadness within them.

“Promise me, Irene? Please.”

  
  
Irene just cries and pulls Wendy into her arms.

  
  
“I love you, I love you, I love you,” Irene chants, hating herself for taking so long to learn those words, hating herself for being unable to say it to Wendy earlier.

“I know, and I love you, I always will.”

Irene continues to wail until she feels Wendy pull her arms up and place it onto Wendy’s neck.

Wendy pulls out from the embrace, still gripping Irene’s hands into place on her neck, “I’ll see you again okay? Humans did believe there’s a life after this, and I believe there’s one for us too.”

Irene swallows her sob and shakes her head for the nth time today.

“Irene please?”

  
  
Wendy’s blue eyes are pleading, and who is Irene to say no.

Wendy loosens her grips on Irene’s hand, allowing Irene to use one to stroke the girl’s face, trying to remember the warmth, and etching onto her memory the Wendy in front of her now.

“I’ll always love you.”

  
  
Irene then puts back her hand onto the android’s neck, Wendy closes her eyes and smiles and Irene’s non-existent heart breaks even more.

“Thank you, and I’ll see you soon.”

Irene presses her lips to Wendy’s forehead and closes her eyes as she strengthens her grip on Wendy’s neck.

She doesn’t feel the girl struggle against her, not even when Irene’s hands continue to press down harder on the android’s neck, suffocating her, alarming her processors that’s something’s wrong that Wendy needs to stay alive, so when Wendy didn’t resist, her system shuts down and Irene feels Wendy’s body slump.

And Irene just cries and cries as she holds the android she loves as the sun sets, painting all the blue around the color red.

And the hardest part still isn’t even done.

\---

Irene wonders if this the price she’s paying for all her past mistakes. Her punishment.

She’s killed so much—has taken the lives of many, not only of their enemies but also of her own kind, that maybe it’s fitting for her to be the one to take the life of the one she loves too.

Irene promised Wendy to continue on.

It’s true when she said she doesn’t know how anymore.

But every day, she drags herself to fulfill her purpose still, maybe as a way to repent—to have her own redemption.

But she wonders how will that work.

When she’s still doing the same thing that what brought here in the first place.

But she figures this is her purpose.

She was made for this.

Built and programmed for this.

For the glory of mankind.

Maybe one day once every machine has been ridded out of this world, then maybe she could finally shut herself down.

And that thought is the only thing that’s keeping her going.

\---

  
  
“JH.”

  
“Yes Commander?”

  
  
“We’re assigning you a companion.”

  
  
Irene nods, uncaring, she’s had a few sharess of companions before, all who either couldn’t take the horror of what Irene needs to do or those who couldn’t stand being at least a feet from her.

  
  
“We hope you take good care of her this time and remember the protocol still.”

“Yes, emotions are prohibited.”

  
  
“Good, you’ve proven yourself again as to why you’re mankind’s most favored executioner.”

  
  
Irene drowns out the voice of the Commander and bores hole to the door behind the Commander, hoping to stare down whoever comes out of it to quit on their first day already.

“She’s a high-class scanner,” Commander says as the door opens and it took Irene all of her restraint to not run and tackle the girl a few feet away from her, “an android who specializes in investigative purposes and hacking information.”

Those blue eyes.

That smile.

  
“JH this is SW.”

* * *

_Maybe if I keep believing my dreams will come to life._

  


**Author's Note:**

> if you haven't played nier:automata i highly recommend it!
> 
> also sorry for mistakes and stuff, it's been a while since i've written anything and this is just an exercise to get back into it, so apologies for everything ;-;;. this was just supposed to be a drabble but it turned into this 6k word mess. 
> 
> vague hope and the weight of the world are the ost i've been listening to while writing this.
> 
> (also i wonder if people can guess as to why they needed to erase Wendy's memories, i think if you played the game you'd know why. )


End file.
